he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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