I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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