dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
