I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
