Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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