Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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