Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
