Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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