She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
