Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
