My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
