and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
