I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
