Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sober January is a disaster.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
