I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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