That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
