She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
