Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
