i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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