awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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