I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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