I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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