yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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