You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
