Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
