On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
