im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
