So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
