I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
