she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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