Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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