Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize