Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
