She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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