Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
