I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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