I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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