I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?