Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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