rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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