sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
