I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
