so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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