this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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