Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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