I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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