So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
im on a boat
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