make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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