and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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