I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
