they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
