i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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