I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
