What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
