Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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