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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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