my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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