Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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